Thursday, May 1, 2008

New Rule...

New Rule: the only man from Motown I'm interested in fucking is Nick Lidstrom, so stop honking at me when I walk down the street in my Red Wings jersey. 

Classic Christian Contradictions

  • The Christian Right teaches that God has a divine plan, and that nothing happens outside of His will, and if something bad happens, we are to accept it as God's will, yet they constantly tell their followers to pray every time they want something, and constantly quote the Bible as saying "Ask and ye shall receive". So which one is it? Divine plan or a favour-giving God who answers every "I want a new car" and "I want bigger tits" prayer? NEITHER!
  • They teach that God is all loving and forgiving and merciful (which I believe), but if you don't follow ONE straight and narrow path in a world that is anything but straight and narrow he'll send you a fiery pit for all eternity where you will burn and be eaten by words.
  • They teach that God has everything under control, and the Gospel has nothing particularly flattering to say about money, yet evangelists like to tell their followers that God is asking them for money.
  • If God has everything under control and has  a plan for everyone, why does he need your help to save people's souls from Hell because they never heard the Gospel through no fault of their own?
  • If human beings are all evil, and bad worthless dirt, why are you trying so hard to save every single one conceived (which I'm for, of course, but it still makes no sense)? Wouldn't it be better to let the worthless, born-in-sin babies go straight back to Jesus?
  • If the Bible is error free, perfect, and totally inspired by God, why does it sound like God suffers from multiple personality disorder and a male form of PMS?
  • If Jesus were around today, many Republicans would hate him, yet the GOP is hot for Jesus while the Dems are hot for abortion.
  • If killing is a sin, why do so many idiotic evangelicals believe Bush when he says God TOLD him to invade Iraq?

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Pinheads and Patriots: North of the Border Edition

Starting this time on the Pinhead front...

PINHEADS: TTC Workers' Union
This past week the Toronto Transit Commission, upon which 1.5 million commuters rely every day to get to work, school and other important places was shut down by a workers' union strike after talks at the bargaining table broke down. The TTC employs about 10000 workers, many of whom make up to $26 per hour, plus they receive exceptionally good benefits and pensions. But apparently it wasn't enough for about 90% of the union who voted to walk out on Torontonians, most of whom make no where NEAR the amount these tax-payer-funded gluttons do, and live without the job security provided by unions. The strike ended after less than one day after the Ontario government passed legislation forcing the swines back to work. For their selfish and childish behaviour, the TTC workers and their enablers are pinheads.

PATRIOTS: The Ontario Legislature
Far be it from me to often praise the McGuinty government or any of their opponents in the wasteful, frustratingly unproductive and dishonest Ontario legislature, but this week even the far left New Democratic Party took a stand for the majority and ordered the spoiled TTC workers back on the job. For their swift and decisive assistance for Toronto, Dalton McGuinty and the Ontario MMPs are patriots.

New Rules from across the political axis

It's time to pay tribute to Bill Maher with my own set of New Rules!

New Rule: If the Eucharist is the literal body and blood of Christ, then Hannibal Lecter should be the pope. For two thousand years the Catholic Church has tried to tell us that eating these crackers and wine will save them because once ingested they literally turn into Jesus's body. But strangely enough, cannibalism as part of one's path to salvation is starkly missing from Scripture.

New Rule: If you are offended by any works of Trey Parker and Matt Stone, not only do I not care about your feelings, I don't care if you get rammed in the ass by a rampaging rhino. Anyone that sensitive needs to leave the free world faster than you can say Isaac Hayes.

New Rule: Don't call a blatant lie a mistake...HILLARY. Unless, you're simply acknowledging that trying  to feed us bullshit about getting shot at in Bosnia in the '90s was a stupid move. I don't know what was going through Billary's head when she tried to tell us an entirely different story than the one clearly told by the footage of her and Chelsea arriving in the Balkans, but what I can tell you is either she thought no one would call her bluff or learned a little too well from hubby how to spin a story.

New Rule: Guilt by association is not guilt at all so get off Barack Obama's ass about Jeremiah Wright. A country that elected George W. Bush for a second term after hearing the shit flying out of his mouth has no right to criticize Senator Obama for not booking from Trinity United Church when screws were going loose in Wright's head.